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The night was blacker than the thumbnail on a near-sighted carpenter, and like most nights I was putting in overtime on a bottle that I kept in my desk drawer for just such occasions. It seems as if those occasions seemed to be happening more frequently this year. I had just thrown back another belt when she walked in.<\/p>\n
She wasn\u2019t what you would call a looker, but still you wouldn\u2019t look away. There in front of me stood about five-two of pure female in a two-piece business suit with matching scarf draped loosely on her shoulders tied with a lazy knot over her bosom. The sensible shoes told me she was more into function than style, so I knew I was dealing with a dame who knew how to make things happen. But things weren\u2019t happening for her lately, and that\u2019s why she came to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. Gumbo,\u201d she inquired, but it came out more like a statement than a question.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I\u2019m Gumbo,\u201d I half belched, letting the hootch talk before I could wrestle my manners back. \u201cMike Gumbo, P.I. What can I do for you Miss…?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need information on a family,\u201d she continued quickly hardly waiting for my response. \u201cThe Colemans. They live in Ocala, Florida, at least I think they do, but I don\u2019t know about the husband. I hardly ever see him there.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked concerned, but not really concerned. It was like she wanted the information, but didn\u2019t care if she got it or not.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what\u2019s it to you? You want me to tag this guy? Is he an ex-husband or boyfriend?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, nothing like that,\u201d she almost spat it out like it was a distasteful thought. \u201cI\u2019m their realtor.\u201d<\/p>\n
That hit me like a ton of bricks. A Florida realtor. Now there\u2019s something you don\u2019t run into everyday. It\u2019s almost like a horseshoe smith or the guy that makes those plastic tabs for collars. I didn\u2019t think they had that many of them left. Selling real estate in Florida was about as hard as doing Sudoku in Chinese.<\/p>\n
As if she read my mind she turned her head and continued like she was confessing a failing on her part.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I\u2019m trying to sell their house for them. I know it\u2019s not an easy job, and I need every weapon at my disposal. So that\u2019s why I came to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you want me to tag this guy. See if he\u2019s legit? Whatcha think, it\u2019s a scam? They\u2019re just stringing you along to see how far they can pull a donkey without a rope?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want to know what they\u2019re up to. If you don\u2019t think you can do it I\u2019ll just go down the hall…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, wait a minute. I didn\u2019t say I\u2019m not gonna do it. I just wanna know what\u2019s it all about. OK, so no 20 questions. That\u2019s fine by me. Listen, I get 50 smackers a day plus expenses. This might take a few days.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine,\u201d she said coldly and reached in her purse. I expected her to pull out a wad of bills, but instead she handed me a little plastic card.<\/p>\n
I took the card from her, rested my elbow on the desk and waved it in front of my face asking, \u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d she squawked back as if not understanding what I asked. \u201cIt\u2019s my credit card. You DO take credit cards, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLady, I ain\u2019t no 7-11. When you walk in my door I expect cold, hard cash.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, the Colemans do too, so when they pay me, I\u2019ll pay you. capiche?\u201d<\/p>\n
What was I gonna do? That doorway had been about as empty as a cookie jar in a fat kid\u2019s house. There wasn\u2019t another soul coming through it anytime soon, and to tell you the truth, she\u2019s the first customer willing to pay in over a week.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, sure, whatever. I\u2019ll look into this Coleman family for you. Come back next week. You\u2019ll get your report.\u201d<\/p>\n
She grabbed the card from my hand, forced a \u201cthank you\u201d from her thin lips then turned on her heels and left.<\/p>\n
I ran my hand through my hair wondering what I got myself into this time. I put the bottle back in the bottom drawer and then opened the top one to grab a clean shirt. I straightened my tie, grabbed my camera and got to work.<\/p>\n
She walked back into my office Thursday night without bothering to knock. It\u2019s a good thing I had been expecting her or she might have found a snub-nose .38 in her face. That\u2019s what kind of week it\u2019s been.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell?\u201d was all she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cSit down,\u201d I ordered her thinking I\u2019d have to say it twice when she took a look at the condition of the chair I motioned to. She removed the scarf from her neck and hastily beat the dust from the seat before she turned and sat.<\/p>\n
I reached for the thick binder in front of me and opened the cover with flourish letting it hit hard on the desk. As expected she jumped a little but quickly regained her composure peering at me to see if I had noticed. I didn\u2019t have to.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s not living there all the time,\u201d I said while looking at a piece of paper instead of directly at her. \u201cHe\u2019s living in an RV that belongs to his sister-in-law and works in this office building in downtown Lafayette, La.\u201d<\/p>\n
She took the news like she already knew it.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo he\u2019s left her?\u201d she asked balling up the scarf in her hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot exactly. He comes back every month, stays for a week then packs up and leaves again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd she lets him come home?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLooks happy about it, too. I tapped his phone. He talks to her all the time. Appears they\u2019re trying to sell the place but can\u2019t find a sucker.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I know,\u201d she said dryly throwing the scarf on her lap.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, they\u2019re making it work the best they can. He works out of his house when he\u2019s there. Does the daddy thing with the two boys at home. There\u2019s a Spencer who\u2019s around 16 or so. He\u2019s a high school junior. Plays in the school band. Baritone, I believe. They went to State. He\u2019s a good kid. Plays good, too. I tried tapping his phone, but that\u2019s all I hear is tapping. Kid text messages like a maniac. I counted 1,232 just last week.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen there\u2019s the little one, Graham. I think he\u2019s nine but acts like he\u2019s 21. He\u2019s in fourth grade at this elementary school close by. Another good kid. He\u2019s a singer in the school choral group; call themselves the Singing Yellow Jackets. Heard of them?\u201d<\/p>\n
She shook her head, and I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cKid\u2019s a wizard on the computer. I thought he had picked up my cover once, but he was just messing around with a WebKinz.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe mom\u2019s a real looker. Keeps herself in shape. Goes to the gym like 3 or 4 times a week. But she\u2019s a coffee addict. Got this espresso machine that won\u2019t last long at the rate she\u2019s using it. Most of the time she\u2019s like a single mom, schleping the kids back and forth to school and activities. Mostly just a normal household. Got some good friends around there.\u201d<\/p>\n
I pulled a manila folder from the binder and opened it. Took out a picture and threw it on the desk toward her.<\/p>\n
\u201cRecognize them? That\u2019s the oldest one, Haley. The guy she\u2019s married to is named Layne, and they\u2019re living in this nice little 2-bedroom they bought near Atlanta. Got two dogs and a cat. She\u2019s going back to school. Get her master\u2019s degree to be a teacher. Some days I wish that\u2019s what I shoulda done instead of being a private dick.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis one\u2019s the oldest boy, Jon-Michael. His wife, Patti, is a teacher down in South Texas. He\u2019s going to school and gonna graduate this December. Business, I think. They got a kid, Alex. Cute as a button but into everything. He\u2019s the only grandkid as far as I can tell. Grandparents make quite a fuss over him. He had his first birthday in August, and she flew from Florida down there. Heck, I think even the daughter in Birmingham flew in too.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh yeah, that daughter in Birmingham, she\u2019s had quite a year. First she\u2019s finishing up her last year of med school, then she gets hitched in May, and get this, to another doc. Doc Bryan. Yeah, and funny thing, a week after the wedding in Austin they both get their MD s in Houston. Then to top things off, they buy a house and move to Birmingham where they\u2019re both doing their residency at UAB Med Center. Talk about your whirlwinds. She even got some kind of award, let\u2019s see, yeah, Ross Award for Excellence in Pediatrics. Kid never stops.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if you think May was already full, wait. They got this other boy, Theo. Frat kid. Good looking guy. Graduated from Oklahoma. Got his degree from, let me read here, \u2018The Gaylord School of Journalism and Mass Communication.\u2019 He\u2019s been working as a land man in Norman. Must be a smart guy.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then there\u2019s this cutie, Kristen or Krissy. Looks like she\u2019s 16 but is really a college senior in Austin. University of Texas there. Get this – she\u2019s gonna be a teacher, too. What is it with these guys? Out to save the world one kid at a time? Anyway, she\u2019s a trooper. Been working in a day care taking care of snotty-nosed 2-year-olds. Man, you\u2019ll never catch me doin\u2019 something like that. Bad enough wiping their nose, but changing a diaper? C\u2019mon!\u201d<\/p>\n
I put both hands on top of the pile and looked across my desk at her. She looked at me like a mob boss eyeing a numbers runner who came up short.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo that\u2019s it?\u201d she snapped as if daring me to say \u2018yeah.\u2019 \u201cThat\u2019s all you found?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I sniped at her, expecting that reaction. \u201cMatter of fact, they\u2019re all planning to travel to Ocala for the holidays.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll of them?\u201d she looked at me wide-eyed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, according to what I found. Oklahoma, Austin, Kingsville, Birmingham, Atlanta, they\u2019re all migrating back to the homestead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy, why that\u2019s impossible,\u201d she said, her voice raised about an octave.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s so impossible? Thirteen people under one roof, what is it, you\u2019re like superstitious or something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s just that, well, that\u2019s a lot of people.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, these kids knew what they were getting into when the met and married. That guy\u2019s been around the block, let me tell you. Not a lick of hair on the top of his head and his beard is almost snow white. Yeah, he knows what he\u2019s doing. At least I think he does.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what about her?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, she\u2019s the one that threw open the doors. In for a penny in for a pound. Chances are she\u2019s not gonna let you show the house during the holidays.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cApparently not. Well, thank you for your time I\u2019ll be back in touch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey don\u2019t you wanna see pictures? I got pictures.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve seen pictures. In fact, I can see them anytime I want on their website.\u201d<\/p>\n
I must have looked like I just got punched in the gut. \u201cThey got a website?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, I thought you were the private eye here. Of course, they have a website – www.Coleman360.com. Not only do they have a whole bunch of pictures, they have blogs, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, well, a website ain\u2019t gonna tell you everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust about,\u201d she said and turned and walked out the door before I could even stand up.<\/p>\n
I threw the folders back in the binder and slam the cover shut. I leaned back in my chair and reached for the bottom drawer. Yeah, it\u2019s times like these I\u2019m glad I have a bottom drawer to reach for.<\/p>\n
-THE END-<\/p>\n